overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.
ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
