We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
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