my vag is so smooth its legendary
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
Holy sore nipples Batman
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
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