it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
Randomize
