Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
