Is there a tactful way for me to ask a girl to let me know when she gets her period?
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
I still have a little drunk in my system
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Randomize
