why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
Dry heaving on campus is my new low. Also, go pats
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
There's even glitter on my cock...
Randomize
