hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Randomize
