porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
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