you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
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