someone threw a dead crab at me
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
do guys with small dicks even attempt to pursue romantic relationships?
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
Randomize
