I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
