he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
I wish i didn't black out tuesday so i could have cherished our moment together
Throwing up together is NOT a cherishable moment...
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
