I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
Randomize
