i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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