im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
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