his dick is like his red hair, amazing but useless
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
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