new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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