Enough with studying for finals. Time to put that my little pony coloring book to use.
Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Randomize
