Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
What am I doing? I'm usually only attracted to horrible people.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
