smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
