Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
Randomize
