Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
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