I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
