Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
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