it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
why does my vagina smell like weed?
omg thats a great idea
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
Randomize
