Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
I want her autograph on my taint
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Randomize
