my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
