Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Randomize
