dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Randomize
