Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
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