We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
I just had sex on a roof
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
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