I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Randomize
