my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
Considering the face that your still in jail Im gunna go with no.
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
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