my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
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