How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
I got a snap of someone jumping off a light pole. Was that you? Please confirm or deny. #onWisconsin
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
dude you pointed at my dad's crotch and said I'd tap that. I didn't even know you were gay.
Randomize
