On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
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