all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Randomize
