I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
look no pants
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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