They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
True strength comes from lack of pants
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Randomize
