why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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