if i can run in heels then i can drive
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
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