I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
Randomize
