I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy
what about the blowjobs for adderall?
no those are still okay
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I vote we just hike, drink, and destroy dick
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Randomize
