Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
Randomize
