I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
You're like the curious george of whores
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
Randomize
