Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
foreskin is a definite game changer
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
