What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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