you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
Randomize
