You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Randomize
