those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
did you just send me my own nude
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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