You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
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