turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
We couldve played the bring a random boy to lunch game but i made him go home
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
